VIRGIN

Why do Virgin Trains think an advert showing a man stalking, staring and fantasising about a woman is going to make us want to travel with them?

Yours Crossly

Celia

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Ladies I urge you to pop along to your local charity shops for a quick rummage. You never know what wonders you will discover with the added value of donating to a worthy cause.

This Artiodactyla, porcine, porkacious, glass called out “sooee” and at 50p was an porkini bargain. How delighted I was when I noticed that it has measures for ‘ladies’, ‘gentlemen’ little piggy and big piggy. Guess which one I will be measuring my evening tipple with?

Also in the picture is a tiny hedgehog I knitted for one of Veronica’s friends.

Yours Hoggily

Celia

Letter from Veronica

Dear Celia
I think we need to draw a line under last evening
I am nursing one of my heads this morning I think we we all a little bit giddy with the excitement of watching ‘Larkrise’ in the open air. I admit to being a lttle over excited at the thought of the Vicar and am ashamed to say I did run about the herbacous borders at the end, but I would like to draw a veil over this.
I have been experiencing starnge feelings lately that I can only put down to my reintroducing supermarket food back into my diet after my foray into foraging.

Yours hormonally
Veronica

Ps I had no idea you thought I was self centered as well. Mixing that bottle of wine with your medication was not a good idea.
PPS You did look menacing in the suset in that gangster hat, and I think this is something to consider when you go on the Church outing in September.

BUCOLIC

What a lovely evening Veronica and I had along with a few lady friends and the odd gentleman (sorry Sebastian) in the vicarage gardens. Annabelle, Sebastian, Teresa and Gwendoline had brought a lovely picnic and Veronica and I had posh fish and chips. Teresa would keep going on about her sausage and eating it in a lascivious manner making poor Sebastian wince.

The sun was shining, the wine was flowing and we were entertained with the bucolic ‘Larkrise to Candleford’. The cast was very enthusiastic in fact one actor nearly took Annabelle and myself out in act two with a seven week old piece of bread flung at ninety miles an hour. It,s not what you expect in a vicarage garden I had to steady myself with another glass of wine and then another glass for the shock.

Of course Veronica found this highly amusing, needless to say she had consumed the best part of a bottle of wine. Looking like a ‘mummy’ swathed from head to toe in a cream blanket, she looked across at me and started laughing in a most unladylike way accusing me of going all hip-hop and looking like Jay Z whoever that is. Admittedly I had my sunglasses on but I think it was my new hat that she was mocking. She was jealous. After all Gwendoline sported some strange sort of outback hat and she didn’t laugh at her but then she did look rather dashing. the end of the evening she started to say naughty words over and over because she thought it was funny in the vicarage garden. Unfortunately I too had sipped too often at the vin rouge and joined in, luckily the vicar wasn’t there.

Sadly I offended Veronica on our way to the public house, I am embarrassed to say I called her self-centred when what I meant to say was single-minded. She can bear a grudge can Veronica and hold on to it. I am going to have to do some ladylike grovelling.

Yours Humbly

Celia

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Looking Good Ronald

So  the summer house is almost finished. It just needs the glass in the windows, painting inside and out and then the decoration. I’m getting very exciting. Ronald has worked steadily, thoroughly and at an even pace but ladies you know what it’s like now it’s coming towards the finish I want him to speed up ready for the big finale.

Look at Ronald with his gaffer tape, his day is not complete without using it, banging something followed by a beer and his Kindle. Of course I am a woman of many interests but I admit my day wouldn’t be right without the clickety-clack of needles in my hand and a lovely ball of wool.

There are lots of other things I enjoy of course, in fact Veronica and I are venturing to an outdoor theatre production this evening, weather permitting of ‘Larkrise To Candleford’ what fun!

Yours Theatricaly

Celia

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This week is knitting in public week,.So here I am in Tesco’s car-park measuring Ronald for a new cod-piece. “A cod-piece” you may query, we are not in 14th century England. No we are not but unfortunately Ronald saw a piece on Sir Ranulph Fines and he was explaining how anything exposed and sticking out is liable to frost-bite and may indeed have to be amputated.

Poor Ronald was very disturbed on hearing this information and shut himself in his shed cogitating . He came out 3 hours later, weaving across the lawn, with the strong smell of Bombadier and scattering crumbs from consuming a whole box of Tunnock’s Tea Cakes Est. 1890, shouting “Knit me a cod-piece woman”.

So I decided to combine the events: shopping (unfortunately did not have time to get to Waitrose), Knitting in public and because Ronald was too embarrassed to be measured in front of a car park full of interested shoppers, I measured a handy boy-scout scarecrow who was amazingly the same size.

Yours Knitting Publicly

Celia

WOOL, WOOL, WOOL.

It is so exciting to receive a brown paper parcel. I know Ronald get’s very excited whenever he receives one and rushes off to his shed to enjoy the experience.

This morning a parcel of wool arrived. I am sure that I am not the only textile fan who goes into raptures of delight when fondling something soft and furry. Sometimes you get into a rut and continually use the same old wool and colours. Ladies you need to be bold, daring and adventurous; try something different. Perhaps a different colour, texture or thickness.

Sometimes we are in the mood for something delicate like a finger-weight wool in a pale colour. Sometimes we want something bold and chunky, self patterning with a mix of colours.

Whatever your desires there is wool out there that will excite and enthuse you; wool that you cannot keep your hands off. Ladies I implore you do not waste a day, indulge in those sensuous pleasures that women have enjoyed for centuries.

Yours Woolily

Celia

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DAVID CAMERON

Now I have nothing against the man per se, well that’s not true actually but today I am ranting ladies. WE  ARE NOT “All in it together” as our leader says. I am amongst a small group of ladies born in a specific few months that not only miss out on our promised pension but also miss out on the new minimum pension.

Now I know that this is to implement equality with men but we still haven’t achieved equality. in the workplace. Many women doing the same job as a man still recieve less pay. And I don’t see DC enforcing that. I paid a full stamp and have worked all my life apart from having my darling children. My agreement for paying my dues was that I would recieve a pension when I was 60.

What in fact did I get? NO PENSION, NO BUS PASS but I did get a ‘Poo Testing Kit’ well thank you very much.

WARNING!!! WILL BE DISCUSSING BODILY FUNCTIONS (Ronalds just left the room, he has a week stomach)

Now I know I am not alone in suffering a little constriction in the bowel department. This kit contained three little cardboard sticks to take a sample on and then you had to smear it into a plastic window before folding in. A cardboard stick! I needed a diamond tipped drill! As for smearing, forget it I struggled to fold the cover over a mini Everest! But ladies and gentlemen if you recieve one of these don’t be like Ronald and put it in the bin, use it.

As you can see I’m not bitter and twisted and if I have offended any of you who think this is just, I apologise. It’s a good job I can whip up a gourmet meal out of a tin of beans, half a stick of celery and a small piece of Wenslydale; it means I can still afford a Gin and tonic.

Yours Bombastily

Celia

BOOT FAIR

How exciting my best friend Veronica and I attended a boot fair this sunny morning. Of course I was ready and knocking on her door at 7.25 with my goods packed expertly in a pale blue plastic box and a French blue Aldi’s basket. I apologise Aldi; Ronald became excited at the discount Cote De Rhone and couldn’t fit it all in his Sainsbury’s wine carrier, he will return it. Veronica of course was not ready having incorrectly set her alarm clock, what a silly billy.

Well ladies what a lovely pleasant crowd apart from the odd tattooed, jogging trousered, muscle top vest. We met lots of old friends and made some new. We did have a chuckle or two. The lady that picked up Veronica’s boxed set and shouted to her husband “do you fancy a ‘Hornblower’? Caused a bit of a stir.

Veronica was peckish and set off for refreshments, returning with two teas and a bacon roll. Unfortunately as Veronica has taken up foraging and is mainly eating foodstuffs from hedgerow and forest; the free range pig went quite to her head. She rolled up her trouser legs far too high to be decent of a Sunday morning and started yelling out like a ‘Costermonger’! “Everything’s 50p including Celia”. Goodness knows what she’d be like on some Fois Gras and Champagne.

Yours Bootingly

Celia