LENTIL & LEEK LADYLIKE SOUP

LENTIL & LEEK LADYLIKE SOUP

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman as I did not receive any LADYLIKE RECIPES from you, I can only assume that you do not possess any.

I met Gwendoline at our CRAFT AFTERNOON yesterday and indeed she confessed to not possessing any culinary skills whatsoever!

However she did produce from the depths of her capacious bag an item that can only be described as QUISQUILIOUS. I cannot wait to see the finished article next month.

Linney not unsurprisingly was KNITTING ANOTHER CUSHION! Many more and there won’t be room for the cat!

I have concocted my own little RECIPE for tomorrow’s luncheon with Veronica, here it is if you wish to make it for yourselves.

Two handfuls of red lentils, one & a half leeks, one large onion, three cloves of garlic, half of a small green de-seeded chilli, one tin of chopped tomatoes, paprika, vegetable stock, salt & pepper.
Boil the lentils 25 mins whilst gently sautéing leeks & onions. Add lentils and the rest of the ingredients to the pan and simmer. Serve with your own choice of bread or rolls.

I will let you know Veronica’s verdict.

Yours Soupily

Celia

SISTERS, STRING-VESTS & SHOP-BOUGHT BATTENBURG

SISTERS, STRING-VESTS & SHOP-BOUGHT BATTENBURG you may ask.

How bold am I this afternoon? As you will see I have attached a video for your perusal. Now I want you to keep it to yourselves as it is a video of my dear sister Joan. I am only showing you because she is off with her new husband PACO, who wears immaculate white linen suits and treats her like a GODDESS, on a jolly to the MALDIVES.

Sadly her first husband was a dissappointment and she didn’t discover his STRING-VEST until the HONEYMOON. Being a lady the first time she saw him undressed was on their wedding night. Oh he was a trial, how my dear sister put up with it I don’t know, she was a MARTYR.

She would lay out her LADYLIKE TEA of an afternoon, the same as I’m sure you my dear ladies and the occasional gentleman do; A pot of tea, cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off and a lovely VICTORIA SPONGE. Occasionaly she would make some super EGG sandwiches from a recipe that our dear QUEEN slipped me after a MAUNDAY THURSDAY service. But not a bite would pass HIS LIPS, HE WOULD DEMAND FISH-PASTE DOORSTEP sandwiches and a piece of SHOP-BOUGHT BATTENBERG, with a 2 litre bottle of CIDER. How could any lady put up with that for long and I am not even going to mention his personal habits!

Anyway that is all in the past and I am still fretting about what to serve Veronica for lunch tomorrow!

Yours Frettingly

Celia

LIVING DOLLS, LATEX & A LADIES LIGHT LUNCHEON DISH

LIVING DOLLS, LATEX & A LADIES LIGHT LUNCHEON DISH

My dear friend Veronica is coming for lunch on Friday so today I will be consulting the cookery books to find a delicious recipe to put before her. If any of my lovely ladies and occasional gentleman have a SUITABLE RECIPE for a LADIES LIGHT LUNCHEON DISH, I would honoured if they would share it with me.

Whilst talking of Veronica, after much encouragement she has started her own blog (vulgar name) veronicagoesviral.com. Do feel free to take a peek. I am sure that there will be much to interest any gardeners as Veronica is passionate about it amongst other things. I am not sure what her qualifications are, knowing Veronica it could be no more than stalking MONTY DON.

On the TELEVISION last night there was a programme about LIVING DOLLS, we tuned in because we thought it would be about CLIFF RICHARD. It wasn’t!

Ronald thought he was watching an episode of ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES, the one where DEL BOY has purchased a consignment of BLOW-UP DOLLS. It was only when the programme was half-way through that Ronald asked “where’s Trigger” and I had to explain, it was about FEMALE MASKING.

I hope it hasn’t given him any ideas, he’s been locked away in his shed all morning, with a HOT GLUE GUN, a packet of LATEX BALLOONS and a permanent marker pen.

Yours Recipingly

Celia

THREE COMEDY MOMENTS

This morning there were THREE COMEDY MOMENTS.

The first, when I read a piece in the Sunday Times on MICHAEL GOVE who says that television shows such as ‘BLACKADDER’ have misrepresented the FIRST WORLD WAR; if I remember rightly General Haig and the politicians of the day did a good job of that, not that I was around at the time. 

In my opinion Mr Gove,  underestimatesTHE INTELLIGENCE OF OUR CHILDREN AND THE HIGH QUALITY OF OUR TEACHERS,  who DO NOT  say to their students this programme is FACTUAL. These programmes underpin the reference books and the WAR POETRY they study.

Does Mr Gove also think that some of our greatest war poets such as SIEGFRIED SASOON “How To Die” or WILFRED OWEN “Dulce et Decorum Est” also misrepresent WW1. Indeed Sasoon made a ‘DECLARATION AGAINST WAR’ partly because of POLITICAL ERRORS.

In my experience programmes such as this and the more current ‘HORRIBLE HISTORIES ‘ are invaluable in engaging young people in our HISTORY AND CULTURE. If you haven’t watched the BLACKADDER WW1 series, I recommend that you do and I doubt any of my dear ladies and occasional gentleman will not be moved by the very last episode. I have also had the privilege of taking part in the wonderful ‘OH WHAT A LOVELY WAR’ where not only the audiences but the actors were moved to tears.

The SECOND COMEDY MOMENT came when GEORGE OSBOURNE announced spending cuts of 25 billion but promised a better future for the children and people of Britain.

The THIRD COMEDY MOMENT came when Ronald climbed the step-ladder with the 6ft Christmas tree with lights packed in an enormous box clutched in his arms; when he was half-way up he started to sway backwards with the weight of the tree and nearly ended up in A & E with bits of seasonal fir tree in various orifices. Thankfully I arrived in time to counter-balance and send him soaring into the loft!

Yours Politicaly

Celia

p.s. Photograph courtesy of Facebook.com

PRINCESSES, POTATOES, PORT & VERBIAGE

PRINCESSES, POTATOES, PORT & VERBIAGE. Sunday, another wet and windy day, I knew I shouldn’t have given Ronald extra BRUSSELL SPROUTS.

Last night was our first rehearsal for this years village PANTOMIME, ‘THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA’ which I write with certain people in mind and which I had cast, following a read-through. Problems, last night more girls turned up who want to be PRINCESSES in the panto and someone else informed me that they would not be able to be a PRINCESS after all. So I was able to fill one role with one of the extras and today I have to write some extra lines for the other two DIVAS. It’s a good job my mind is full of MISCELLANY, I should be able to come up with some NONSENSICLE VERBIAGE!

My friend Veronica telephoned me as she is full of EXCITING IDEAS for the NEW YEAR; one of which is starting her own ‘BLISS’. I will let you know more as she gets to grip with the TECHNOLOGY.

Well I am off to pour a little PORT whilst I boil the POTATOES up ready for ROASTING. Once they are in the oven I shall leave them to Ronald he likes a good toss before dinner. He says I don’t turn over enough so he likes to do it for himself.

Yours Portingly

Celia

GAULOISES, EPILATORS & NAPPY RASH

GAULOISES, EPILATORS & NAPPY RASH.

Decided we needed to go on a post-Christmas walk this morning. Hirsute Roley was definitely in favour and got rather excited. Ronald didn’t, he retired to the toilet with his new CHRISTMAS KINDLE. Which I had bought him because as you may remember my dear ladies and occasional gentleman he claimed Hirsute Roley had jumped on and broken the last one!

Harold the CROSS-DRESSING librarian will no doubt miss his visits. He has been using Ronald as an AGONY AUNT. His most pressing problem appears to be Dolly Dalrimple, her of the hairy chest, GAULOISES smoking Library Assistant. She apparently purchased from LIDLS an ELECTRIC EPILATOR for £14.99. A bargain you may think, I tend to believe you get what you pay for; in Dolly’s case it was a bad bout of FACIAL NAPPY RASH. I am not sure the manufacturers meant it to tackle a 5 O’CLOCK SHADOW! Or in Dolly’s case an 11.45 am shadow.

Harold keeps escaping behind the MILLS & BOONS when she demands he feels it, her rash I mean. He is going to be very disappointed now Ronald isn’t popping in for a HARLAN COBEN.

Well off to put the WELLIES on.

Yours Walkingly

Celia

SHOCK, HAM & HEIDELBERG

SHOCK, HAM & HEIDELBERG

My dear ladies and the occasional gentleman, I am shocked! It appears some of you grabbed THE WRONG END OF THE STICK yesterday. I did not enjoy the delights of a CHEEKY GUTAUSSEHENDER MANN, it was merely a glass of GERMAN WINE.

I nurtured quite a taste for it when Ronald took me up THE RHINE and no that is not a METAPHOR! (See photos)

Message to HAM OF HEIDELBERG: Firstly, I am sorry I cannot be your friend on FACEBOOK and secondly, Ronald cannot exchange places with you on the MATURE STUDENT EXCHANGE and as to your last suggestion. Ronald is the only HAM IN MY SANDWICH!

Yours Shockingly

Celia

POST CHRISTMAS, CHAKRAS AND CHEEKY WHITE WINE

POST CHRISTMAS, CHAKRAS AND CHEEKY WHITE WINE
The last of the visitors have gone, Ronald is making a fish pie and I am sat with my feet up enjoying a cheeky little German white
I am resisting the impulse to rip the Christmas cards off the walls and pack the tree and decorations away. Although my dear mum has passed, her words and SUPERSTITION are programmed into me. I know that I just cannot take anything down until 12th Night for fear of bad luck; even though I am a rational lady and it is 2014!

Hirsute Roley has taken himself off to bed, sulking because everybody has left and the last of the turkey has gone. I don’t think Ronald is sulking, it just takes him about 3 hours to make a fish pie. Oh well time for another glass.

Time to look forward, I asked Ronald if he had made any NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS. He said “no” so I gave him some; after all everyone needs something to aim for and if he has none of his own he can do mine!

I am also considering our holiday this year, proof that I have been brain-washed by all those holiday adverts that start on Boxing Day.

TAI CHI for Ronald and me, starting tomorrow, gentle exercise, just what we need for our post-Christmas bodies besides I think we need to get our CHAKRAS in sync. He’s been selfishly looking after his own CHAKRA during the festive seashon

Goodnesh don’t know where the wane went but the fash pie ishn’t heerr yet might ash will fishin the bottle

Yorsh Tippsilly

Celiaa