UP UP & AWAY BALLOON TECHNIQUES

 

UP UP & AWAY BALLOON TECHNIQUES

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman the other evening I went for a walk with my dear friend Gloria. “We need to be back in time to go to the playing field for the BALLOON to go up”  enthused Gloria. Well to say I was taken aback would be an understatement!  I know that there is an inordinate amount of TURMOIL in the WORLD  and it is the anniversary  of THE GREAT WAR, WW1 but really what could be occurring of such magnitude on the VILLAGE PLAYING FIELD? As we made our way to the field there was a WHOOSH of HOT AIR, and NO  my dear ladies and occasional gentleman,  it was not ME! This was the CULPRIT.

 

Not something you expect to see on a TUESDAY evening. It was very exciting and there was quite a TECHNIQUE to getting it UP IN THE AIR. We sat on a bench enjoying the GLORIOUS evening sunshine, when Gloria said “wouldn’t it be pleasant to have a glass of wine while we sit here and watch”? Now I am not generally known for my speed but before you could say “UP UP & AWAY” I had nipped home and brought back two GLASSES and a bottle of SAUVIGNON BLANC. We had barely taken a sip, when my dear friend Titania (I hesitate to say any whiff of alcohol and she’s there) joined us on our bench. Nobody can say that Celia LADYGARDEN  is selfish, I immediately topped up our glasses and handed Titania the BOTTLE, from which she proceeded to drink from in a ladylike manner.

Unfortunately whilst researching information regarding BALLOON TECHNIQUES I discovered rather shockingly that it had another meaning! So if any gentlemen seeking information regarding their ‘LITTLE SOLDIER’ found my little ‘BLISS’ by mistake, I apologise.

Yours Blushingly
Celia.

ICE-LOLLIES & GARDEN FAIRIES IN THE LADYGARDEN

ICE-LOLLIES & GARDEN FAIRIES IN THE LADYGARDEN

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, as you can see from this photograph, there was a lot of ACTIVITY in the front LADYGARDEN  residence this morning. It was an absolute hive of ACTIVITY, the GARDEN FAIRIES were in.

In the forefront you can see Andy’s TOOL, the other fairies were very JEAlOUS. It was so HEAVY he had to stop and have a rest! And it was sooo HOT I had to break out the ICE LOLLIES!

Yours Swoonily

Celia

p.s They are available for work all over the world.

POTATOS & PATIENCE

POTATOS & PATIENCE

Oh my lord, how many instructions and discussions does it take to BAKE  TWO JACKET POTATOS?

On my way home yesterday afternoon, I popped into LIDLS and bought two large POTATOS, a bar of SWISS CHOCOLATE (they don’t sell MALTESERS) and a bottle of WINE. A nice easy supper I thought and I expect you my lovely ladies and occassional gentleman, thought the same.

That is until Ronald decided to cook said potatos.

It started well.

“I’ve scrubbed the potatos and PRICKED them, now what tin shall I use?” said Ronald, holding out his new square pan with ridges and his round pan

“The round one”

Five minutes later. “I’ve put them in the oven and set the timer for 30 minutes”

“Well done”

“After 30 minutes I’ll turn them over”

“OK”

“When I’ve turned them over, I’ll put them on again for 30 minutes”

“Tthey will take quite a while”

“Yes perhaps I’ll check them now they’ve been on for 20 minutes”

“OK”

“No they’re still hard”

“OK”

“Alarms gone off, I’ll turn them over”

“OK”

“I’ve turned them over, I’ll put the alarm on for 30 minutes”

“OK”

“They’re getting softer”

“OK”

“Everythings ready, just waiting for the potatos”

“OK”

“They’ll be ready in about 17 minutes to put the oil on”

“OK”

“I’m putting the olive oil on now”

“OK”

Ten minutes later “Here we are all ready” Ronald places potatos on the table.

“Are you sure they are ready? You have only just put the oil on.

“Yes” confidently

I sit, I cut through the SOFT skin, oh-oh, they are hard in the middle and I don’t know about you but that is why I put OLIVE OIL on my potatoes because it makes them crispy on the outside not SOGGY! 

“Ronald you have no patience, you just have to put the potatos in the oven and forget about them”

“Well mine are fine, I’m hungry” Ronald eats his potato, casting moody glances at me, whilst I wait for mine to finish cooking in the oven.

It’s tough being a CHEF.

Ronald’s still in a huff and his new CERAMIC PANS haven’t arrived yet.

Yours Hungrily

Celia

 

 

 

 

 

 

SISTERS, STRING-VESTS & SHOP-BOUGHT BATTENBURG

SISTERS, STRING-VESTS & SHOP-BOUGHT BATTENBURG you may ask.

How bold am I this afternoon? As you will see I have attached a video for your perusal. Now I want you to keep it to yourselves as it is a video of my dear sister Joan. I am only showing you because she is off with her new husband PACO, who wears immaculate white linen suits and treats her like a GODDESS, on a jolly to the MALDIVES.

Sadly her first husband was a dissappointment and she didn’t discover his STRING-VEST until the HONEYMOON. Being a lady the first time she saw him undressed was on their wedding night. Oh he was a trial, how my dear sister put up with it I don’t know, she was a MARTYR.

She would lay out her LADYLIKE TEA of an afternoon, the same as I’m sure you my dear ladies and the occasional gentleman do; A pot of tea, cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off and a lovely VICTORIA SPONGE. Occasionaly she would make some super EGG sandwiches from a recipe that our dear QUEEN slipped me after a MAUNDAY THURSDAY service. But not a bite would pass HIS LIPS, HE WOULD DEMAND FISH-PASTE DOORSTEP sandwiches and a piece of SHOP-BOUGHT BATTENBERG, with a 2 litre bottle of CIDER. How could any lady put up with that for long and I am not even going to mention his personal habits!

Anyway that is all in the past and I am still fretting about what to serve Veronica for lunch tomorrow!

Yours Frettingly

Celia

TITS, TAMBOUR, TENTIGINOUS, THERMASTHESIA, THEURGY AND TATERS

TITS, TAMBOUR, TENTIGINOUS, THEURGY AND TATERS, yes dear ladies and the occasional  gentleman, since we last chatted I have experienced all of the above.

I apologise for the unladylike word TITS, I blame Veronica. In our recent sell-out show, she unashamedly performed a poem about her TITS, I tried to persuade her to use BOSOMS instead but to no avail. However it made me think when I woke up and peeped under the duvet:

This morning I was quite distressed

As I lay eu-naturelle in bed

To note my breasts go East and West

Not upright, pert as in my head

So help is needed but do I go for ‘TILLY’S TAMBOUR or ‘VICTORIA’S SECRET’? In order to remain TENTIGINOUS to dear Ronald and bearing in mind it is our WEDDING ANNIVERSARY on the 18th December what would you dear ladies and the occasional gentleman advise me?

Keep this a secret but I am KNITTING Ronald for Christmas an all-in-one undergarment up to the neck and with long sleeves and long legs. The pattern calls for 2 PLY SILK but I didn’t have any, so I am using an ORGANIC FREE-RANGE ARAN TWILL with some of hirsute Roley’s hair to soften it, I’m hoping it won’t tickle him in the sparklers. The reason for the garment is that Ronald is experiencing THERMAESTHESIA after his recent violent allergic reaction.

A few words about  ‘THE FANNYS’ show, we haven’t finished counting yet but it looks with the help of THEURGY  we have raised a substantial amount to go to ‘THE NEW CHEMOTHERAPY UNIT APPEAL’. Our audiences were wonderful, the atmosphere was incredible and we have been hearing lovely comments since the show; how some people have been having a difficult time, some are poorly, some have lost family and friends and some who just came along for an evening out. They have said how they laughed until their jaws ached, how they were able to forget their problems for a little while. Apologies to the lady who forgot to wear her Tenna Lady and had to sit on her coat when she wet herself with laughter. It is a privilege to be a part of THE FANNYS an amazing group of ladies of a certain age who still have youth on their side.

Finaly ladies, last night I went to CHRISTMAS BINGO raising funds for the village CRICKET team. I am not the best at Bingo, I get a bit panicky as everyone takes it so seriously and there are rules about when to call. All evening I watched all the wonderful prizes being won,CHRISTMAS CHOCOLATES AND BISCUITS IN LOVELY VICTORIAN STYLE TINS, GIANT HAMS AND FREE-RANGE TURKEYS and what did I win? A 5.5 LB BAG OF TATERS (POTATOES)! Please do not think I am ungrateful but really!

Well I am off to peel those spuds or perhaps we will have Jacket Potatoes, then to finish writing the village pantomime.

FISHOOKS! Just noticed that I have turned two pages by mistake on my knitting pattern and completely missed the opening in the front of Ronald’s onesie, oh well he will just have to practise self-control, that’ll stop him peeing in the garden!

Yours Busily

Celia

DIVAS, DINNER & DAEDAL

DIVAS, DINNERS & DAEDAL. Yes dear ladies and the occasional gentleman, it is SHOW-WEEK

Friday nights rehearsal was particularly fraught, so fraught that Morrelo and Veronica broke into a box of FRUITY WHITE WINE that was meant for the bar on a performance night!  There were TEARS, TANTRUMS AND TACENDAS and we were left at the end of the evening having only gone through the first half of the show thinking that we would book a cheap long weekend in BRUGES instead.

Sunday morning’s rehearsal with the aim of running the whole show started well and continued in this vein THANK SHAKESPEARE. Afterwards the majority of the cast along with husbands sped to the village hall for the ANNUAL ROAST DINNER event. After settling into our various seats and filling our glasses with THE FINEST VINO we pulled our crackers, donned our party hats and entered into the jolly spirit.

To decide which table could go up first to be served dinner a quiz question was asked.

“What was the size of the parish in acreage, the population and the size of bodies of water In 1884?”

All on our table were scratching their heads when suddenly the number popped into my head 3,984. Unfortunately I thought that the answers had to be totalled and then divided by their number 3, when in fact the answers should have been added together. Oh well HO-HUM.

The dinner was delicious and we were all tucking in when Ronald’s knife suddenly lunged for me, hitting me on the arm, leaving a trail of BEEF GRAVY, bouncing off and a piece of beef flew through the air, hit the ceiling and landed next to Veronica’s plate. Ronald May have had a snifter before dinner and the wine!

I became a little impatient waiting to be told our table could go up for pudding and grabbing Veronica’s hand forced my way through the elderly ladies and others making there way up, indeed Veronica nearly flattened a vertically challenged gentleman who ended up facing completely the wrong way and looking confused as to what had happened.But we had the pick of the puddings and were making our way back to our table when we were rumbled by THE LOCAL FUNERAL DIRECTOR, who had been last seen by us with Veronica’s brassiere over his head (see film in show) who enjoyed OUTING us to the rest of the diners! A lovely village event.

So tonight is our dress & tech rehearsal before the first night of our show on Thursday , then Friday and Saturday night.

So wish us all luck, break a leg etc and hope we raise a good sum of money for the CHEMOTHERAPY APPEAL.

Yours Excitedly

Celia