QUIRILI-ANUS!

QUIRILI-ANUS!  My dear ladies and occasional gentleman.

It was our parish CAROL SERVICE, 9 lessons and carols in our beautiful village church last Sunday.

I was sitting in a pew with PCSO Claire and her sister. Lovely young ladies. I had noticed something wasn’t quite right but couldn’t put my finger on it until halfway through the THIRD CAROL, when I realised they were singing a completely different CAROL.

They had been given LAST YEARS order of service.

This year I was reading lesson 6, which had in it the unfortunate name of QUIRINIUS.

I said to them ” I have a tricky name in my reading, QUIRILI-ANUS.” Needless to say once the SPOONERISM had left my lips and hit their ears they were a bundle of giggling girlies.

Imagine my perturbation as I stood in the pulpit  and looked out at the congregation.

Merry Christmas

Yours Merrily

Celia

MOOOOOO! MOOOOOO! ACROPHOBIA (Translated) HELP! HELP! ACROPHOBIA

MOOOOOO! MOOOOOO! ACROPHOBIA. (Translated) HELP! HELP! ACROPHOBIA. My dear ladies and occasional gentleman this was the cry we heard (in BOVINE language) from the field next to our garden.

This chap had decided to CLIMB up on top of the hedge. Once up there he decided he didn’t like it and wanted to come down. 

So typical of a man, it takes all that effort to get up and only minutes to come down.

His FRIENDS tried to encourage him down but after managing to turn around he had frozen.

But don’t worry folks, like DOCTOR DOOLITTLE I can talk to the animals. 

Using my SPECIAL COW TALK (Ronald often remarks on my similarity) I was able to COAX the poor animal down.

Yours Bullocky

Celia

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GNASHERS!

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, today is my BIRTHDAY

and by the method of SOCIAL MEDIA  my dear friends have sent their birthday wishes, many of them wishing me a fun day. Thank you, how lucky I am to have such friends.

Well this is what I am looking forward to..

Having my temporary cap removed with something like this.

And a new porcelain crown fitted.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GNASHERS!

Yours Notlookingforwardly

Celia

P.S. A birthday treat, just had a visit from a lizard in the garden.

SOFT-SOAPING!

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, you may remember my visit to the dentist for my broken tooth.

On entering the TORTURE CHAMBER my DENTIST smiled at me.

I gave him a piece of handmade LEMON & LIME with a hint of PATCHOULI soap, manly-wrapped in tissue and tied with twine. I made it at at a fantastic SOAP workshop run by a dear friend of mine, somebody had dropped out and she kindly offered me a place.

I was paired with an ‘INTERESTING LADY’ who had very STRONG ideas of the SOAP she would make. She decided on LEMON & LIME and as you can see an ‘INTERESTING’ colour choice. It was pointed out by the SOAP expert that a hint of PICHOULI would bring the SCENTS together.

This scent her over the edge as she reiterated that she could not abide PATCHOULI as it reminded her of an unpleasant boyfriend she had when she was 17.

It’s not that I lack compassion but as she was a woman in her late 50’s I thought it was time she got over it.

The PICHOULI went in.

Giving my DENTIST the soap, made by my own fair hands, I said “This is a present to put in your EXECUTIVE TOILET, so now you have to be very gentle with me.”

SOFT-SOAPING? I lay back in the chair and he said ” No need for injections today, it’s a dead tooth so it won’t hurt.”

55 minutes of DRILLING, POST FITTING, MOLD taking, temporary CAP fitted I walked out.

My next appointment to have temporary cap removed and forever one fitted is next Tuesday. MY BIRTHDAY!

Yours Soapily

Celia

ps The soap is lovely.

pps I sat with the mold in my mouth for quite some time with the dentist checking it before he realised that it wasn’t going to set! It took a while to pull out the strings of what tasted like SECOND HAND CHEWING GUM. Embarrassment all round for the dentist (tee-hee).

AAGH DENTIST TODAY!

AAGH DENTIST TODAY! 

Yes my dear ladies and occasional gentleman I BROKE A TOOTH!

I have a second appointment today with the DENTIST!

There was talk of POSTS and CAPS!

I shall be in a heightened state of nervousness all day till my late appointment.

Yours Nerve-Ously,

Celia

KNITTING PRICKLY PROTECTION

KNITTING PRICKLY PROTECTION? I hear you ask my dear ladies and occasional gentleman, yes indeedy.

I needed some KNITTING NEEDLES to start a new project and was looking through my late mother’s collection when I came across these.

They hail from the 1960’s and are made out of COLOURED CASEIN a milk protein I believe. 

Ideal for KNITTING something  WARM and WILLY……….I mean WOOLY for the WINTER.

Yours Protectively

Celia

CORNUCOPIA OF CELTICNESS & A DILEMMA

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman as I hope you may be aware I have been absent. 

We were lucky enough to spend first a week in beautiful WELSH WALES, HIRSUTE ROLEY particularly enjoyed the beach. Despite the clouds it was lovely and warm.

We returned home for one night to the very lovely NORTH DEVON.

Then secondly a few days in gorgeous CORNWALL.

Beautiful flowers grown by my beautiful granddaughter.

A veritable CORNUCOPIA of CELTICNESS.

You would have thought that with all this relaxation and beautiful surroundings my HAIR would have decided to stay on my  HEAD.

But NO!

On returning home I stepped into the shower (ladies don’t jump).

After I had washed my hair I noticed that I was paddling in about an inch of water.

Investigating the PLUGHOLE I discovered what appeared to be a small knitted jumper BORROWER size.

I HATE CLEANING PLUGHOLES THEY ARE GROSS!

Walking into the sitting room this product was on the Telly.

DILEMMA.

TWO bottles of GIN or some decent wine.

AGAINST

TWO months supply of FURRY FOAM.

Yours ALOPECIA AURIATALY

CELIA

P.S. I am still shaving my legs

P.P.S. Some eyebrow and eyelashes down the PLUGHOLE.

P.P.P.S. THE BORROWERS. See Mary Norton.

P.P.P.P.S. North Devon Photo courtesy of my dear friend Karen Owen.

OUR BATTLE – ME & TIM PEAKE

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I can sympathise with TIM PEAKE.

I too am FIGHTING a battle with GRAVITY.

This morning when looking in my MAGNIFYING MIRROR which I have to GIRD MY LOINS to do, I made a DISCOVERY.

I have a small SCAR on the middle of my CHEEK, the result of leaping off a bed and catching it on a hook on a cupboard.

I looked and it was MISSING!

I DISCOVERED it.

Heading towards my JAWLINE!

Yours Gravitily

Celia

ONE-EYED MONSTER IN THE LADYGARDEN

The ONE-EYED MONSTER in the LADYGARDEN is Ronald my dear ladies and occasional gentleman. 

He has a swelling and not where you might think, naughty people. 

It is his eye and it has been getting progressively worse since Saturday.

But my LADYGARDEN as you can see is beginning to flourish now that the GARDEN FAIRIES have erected a new fence.

Talking of fairies can you spot my little fairy door? I have several hidden around the garden.

,
I am taking Ronald for medical assistance.

The DOCTORS is closed so we are popping into the VET’S.

Yours Fairily

Celia

p.s. I shall be visiting the wonderful RHS ROSEMOOR on the weekend for their ROSE festival.

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My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, today I had to speak to one of our HIGH STREET BANKS on the telephone. 

You will not be surprised to know that my call went from DEVON in England halfway around the world to NEW DELHI in India.

And it didn’t cost me a penny. It’s rare to be able to chat on the telephone across CONTINENTS in the middle of the day and all for free.

I spoke to a charming young lady who obviously had been trained by DAME JUDY DENCH when she was living in the MOST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL to be friendly and not to be afraid to go ‘OFF PISTE’ with the script.

After we had dealt with the boring bits we had a lovely little chat and I can say it was a very pleasant experience.

I do believe the dear young LADY paid my little ‘BLISS’* a visit yesterday, how kind. 
I do hope she visits again, it gives one a glimpse into an EXOTIC world so very different from my own.

My dear new INDIAN friend here are some pictures of beautiful Devon for you

Yours Exoticly
Celia

* I am sure you will agree my dear ladies and occasional gentleman that ‘BLOG’ is a rather vulgar sounding word, so I call mine a ‘BLISS’ so much lovelier don’t you think?