A HEN DO A’ DO NOT A COCK A’ DOODLE DO

A HEN DO A’ DO NOT A COCK A’ DOODLE DO.
Yes my dear ladies and occasional gentleman a first for me the modern ‘Hen Do’. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I was very pleased to be asked by the BRIDE TO BE a very charming young lady called Minoa.
We gathered in her mothers house a mix of LONG-LEGGED young ladies, beautifully dressed balancing on spindly heels and a few mature ladies in flip flops and sandals.
The bride was crowned with a TIARA and VEIL with the most unusual patterned lace TWO ROUND buildings either side of a TALL one and then was given a similar shaped sceptre in lurid pink to match.
Pinning on our hen badges we mounted the MINI BUS, much to the drivers consternation.The very organized M.O.T.B. asked a round of riddles, what larks. After my 3rd miniature bottle of something that tasted of FRUITY COUGH MIXTURE with VODKA. I realised that there was a penalty for not only getting the answer wrong but getting it right as well!
It was a bouncy ride between the various PUBLIC HOUSES,  drinking SEX ON THE BEACH dished out from a large THERMOS FLASK in the middle of the aisle.
A delightful young lady called Emilia a fellow gin drinker told me her breasts were kept in place with sticky tape to avoid unseemly BRASSIERE straps. (Handy tip)

We played some intimate and hilarious games with balloons, here is a picture of the bride.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was a fun packed 8 HOURS and I discovered that with the odd PIT STOP for sustenance I can consume a rather large amount of GIN and stay upright. Although I wouldn’t want to do it every week.

Dear Minoa assured me that even though her and her fiancé were living together they had SEPARATE bedrooms until after their marriage.

I’m not so sure that’s a good idea. After all, you wouldn’t buy a TOOL before checking out its suitability for the job!

Yours Hen Peckedily

Celia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HIDE AND SEEK AND HIDE THE SAUSAGE

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, as you can see Hirsute Roley had great fun today playing HIDE AND SEEK with the neighbours.

Ronald had been busy digging over a piece of garden for me. When I pointed out I needed the soil finer there was a bit of GRUMPING.

He cheered up watching Hirsute Roley and called out, ” when I’ve finished PAINT-ROLLING this earth, why don’t we play HIDE THE SAUSAGE?”

I expect like me this is a new game to you. I’m not sure if we need a DICE.

Yours Gamily

Celia

 

CUPCAKES, SCONES AND PRETEND BAKING HANDS

CUPCAKES, SCONES AND PRETEND BAKING HANDS

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman as you can see I have been baking for a Parish Cream Tea. The scones are hiding in the tin foil.

No Ronald! Just because you strategically placed your hands in the photograph the lovely ladies and occasional gentleman won’t be fooled into thinking you baked them!

Yours Cakily

Celia

A PLETHORA OF CHOPPERS!

A PLETHORA OF CHOPPERS? Whatever  can she mean, I hear you ask my dear ladies and occasional gentleman.

Well my dear friend Theresa and I went to a nearby market town for a little jaunt. Being market day there was plenty to see and imagine our surprise when we came across a PLETHORA of CHOPPERS.

This was very pertinent, for as you may remember we have a new WOODBURNER. Little did I know about the accessories Ronald seems to need for something that was meant to save us money.

He’s hankering for a new CHOPPER but not just any old chopper but one that has a SPECIAL head, one that splits logs.

Theresa who can spot a CHOPPER at 3 miles, found the perfect one amongst the many but unfortunately when she went to lift it, found that it wasn’t quite right.

“It’s a bit heavy and too short for Ronald” she said “He’s used to a longer one.”

I bow to her superior knowledge.

Yours Choppily

Celia

SUNSET OVER THE LADYGARDEN

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman this was the beautiful SUNSET over the LADYGARDEN this evening.

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR QUEEN ELIZABETH

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, what a day.

My dear friend her Maj is 90 years old today

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR QUEEN ELIZABETH.

I must say she looked a picture. What fun we had shopping for her BIRTHDAY FROCK.

I must be DISCREET and LOYAL so I can’t give too many secrets away but I’m glad she took my advice.

Just lets say we enjoyed a few giggles and COCKTAILS.

How clever they MATCHED the TRAFFIC LIGHT to her OUTFIT.

Sadly I couldn’t make it to WINDSOR today but dear HER MAJ quite understood and we’re having a little get together in the summer.

Ronald bless him decided to LIGHT the new WOODBURNER in celebration as a BEACON.

Dear HER MAJ has promised to borrow dear PHILLIPS BINOCULARS to look for the BEACON as it is a fair distance from WINDSOR to DEVON.

HIP HIP HOORAY for dear HER MAJ.

Yours Celebrataly

Celia

P.S. The wonderful TORRINGTON CAVALIERS are lighting a beacon TONIGHT on the COMMON. What loyal subjects they are.

RONALD’S CHOPPER AND MAN’S RED FIRE

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman I don’t think Ronald has been this excited since my UNDERWEAR was left accidentally at SCHIPHOL AIRPORT as we flew on to FRANCE.

He was desperate to get his hands on his CHOPPER.

It hasn’t been used in quite some time. 

I’m not sure I could even find it.

  
Thoughtful daughter sent this in the post. It arrived on the perfect day.

Today. 

The day we had a WOODBURNER installed.

I’m looking forward to EXPERIENCING the SCANDINAVIAN WAY.

Yours Tinderly

Celia

Where is Mowgli when you need him?

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TWIST AND SHOUT? I did indeed my dear ladies and occasional gentleman.

Having a shoulder IMPINGEMENT and BURSITIS I was unable one morning to raise my arm above waist height. Intending to shower but not wanting to wash my hair, I asked Ronald if he could pull my hair into a ponytail, twist and clip it with a banana clip.

As I asked the question misgivings BUBBLED up but having no choice we went for it.

His FINGERING  was unsurprisingly gentle, due to experience 

  
 but once he had my hair in the PONYTAIL he gripped on tight, I braced myself for the TWIST but …………OW!

Ronald with his free hand spun ME around before slapping the twisted hair onto my head and applying the clip.

Yours Tenderly

Celia 

HAIR TODAY GONE TOMORROW

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman I have spent four WONDERFUL days in OXFORDSHIRE with my son, daughter in law and GORGEOUS, FUNNY, CLEVER little GRANDDAUGHTER.

So imagine my horror on returning home, after a shower and a hairwash looking into my MAGNIFIED MIRROR and discovering I had grown a MUSTACHE and developed a BALD PATCH IN MY HAIR!

For one MAD MOMENT I considered GLUEING the hair I had PLUCKED from my top lip onto the SMOOTH AS A BABY’S BOTTOM patch……….instead I resorted to a COMB-OVER!

I can only conclude the family ( who will be getting a magnified mirror for Christmas) had not mentioned it out of KINDNESS.

Oh well HAIR TODAY GONE TOMORROW.

Yours Miffely
Celia

WHERE ARE BOB’S BOOBS?

WHERE ARE BOB’S BOOBS? 

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, you may be confused as to Bob’s boobs. It is PANTOMIME TIME hence my absence and it is a serious matter when you are 20 minutes to CURTAIN UP and the DAME’S BOOBS have gone walkabout! Luckily they were found, MRS BIGGERBUNS thought they were HIS by mistake. Easily done in the MAYHEM of the dressing room. 

Theresa was complimented on her FIVE O’CLOCK SHADOW, Madam Sinagalot was struggling to haul up her tights that were stuck around her knees and one of the DONGERS had put his NAKED MAN SUIT on back to front and couldn’t find his COMFORT HOLE!

All in all a great first night.

OH NO IT WASN’T, OH YES IT WAS!

Yours Thesbianly

Celia