IT’S BEHIND YOU ROLEY!

Hirsute Roley is looking for the helicopter that just circled the garden.

IT’S BEHIND YOU ROLEY!

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, does ABSENCE MAKE THE HEART GROW FONDER? I hope so as I have been sadly neglecting you but in my defense I have been rather busy.
1. Writing the village PANTOMIME ready to cast in December. (I am up to the interval, so ‘head down’ as Ronald often tells me.) To clarify for my COLONIAL friends, a PANTOMIME is a show where the men dress up as women the women dress up as men, someone dresses up as an animal, the dialogue is full of INNUENDO and DOUBLE ENTENDRES there is singing and dancing and general hilarity.
2. I have been concentrating on writing my book.
3. I have been watching STRICTLY COME DANCING (this year the women are more covered up and I’m pleased to say the men are not!)
4. I have been KNITTING and SEWING for the VILLAGE ANNUAL SHOW.
5. Ronald and I had to make a mercy dash to WAITROSE as my dear friend Veronica the well known and famous FORRAGER, was hosting an event and had forgotten her SHAGGY INK-CAPS. We didn’t have much time so we popped into the CO-OP and bought some CHESTNUT MUSHROOMS reduced becuse they were past their sell-by date.They were a bit bruised so looked a bit inky.

Yours Busily
Celia

KNITTING NEEDLES, KNIVES CUTLERY BUT NO HAMMERS

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, what larks this morning, indeed Ronald and I were up with the LARKS as we were due early for our annual flu jabs, at our local surgery.
It was touch and go as to whether Ronald could have his as he has had an allergic reaction and his eyes are swollen.
Back at home both punctured and patched we headed outdoors as the weather is glorious.

I intended to WRITE with occasional bits of gardening in between.Ronald decides he is going to clear weeds in the paving with a STANLEY  KNIFE but needs a new blade. After attempting but failing to pull the top off he tries various items of CUTLERY before he goes for his HAMMER, at which point I intervene in the hope of avoiding another injury. Oh did I mention that Ronald has BROKEN his WRIST!

I managed to get the top off quite easily with a KNITTING NEEDLE, a reason everyone should learn to KNIT, it does come in handy in all sorts of situations. There was a tiny little knob that had to be depressed (you would be depressed if you had one like that!) before the lid came off.

I am on alert as I sit here and write as with his swollen eyes and vision impaired, a STANLEY KNIFE and a BROKEN WRIST, anything could happen!

Yours Alertedly

Celia

BONDAGE FOR BEGINNERS!

BONDAGE FOR BEGINNERS, that my dear ladies and occasional gentleman was the item on daytime television ‘THIS MORNING’ this morning.

I was expecting sections on COOKING, FASHION, and HOME DECOR but definitely not BONDAGE. This is a sample of the items on offer:

Thankfully Ronald was engrossed in his book ‘The Twilight Home for Retired Gentlemen’.

After a section of SPRING FASHION with GOK it moved on to BONDAGE FOR THE ADVANCED! As soon as PHILLIP SCHOFIELD picked up these

Ronald perked up and said “that’s what you need dear’
“What”? Says I
“ROW MARKERS for your knitting” says he.

Yours Pinchingly

Celia

PANTO AND PONCHOS

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL.

What FESTIVE FUN AND FROLICS Ronald and I have enjoyed throughout the advent season; that may have been because  A lot of it was spent separately. I dimly remember putting the WORLD to rights (well I hope that’s all I did) after a few gins with the CHEF, the ENGINEER and the UNDERTAKER at our local CLUB.

I am now up to my DOUBLE ENTENDRES in DIRECTING the PARISH PANTOMIME. Oh no your not -oh yes I am. ( I apologise to my colonial readers who struggle to understand the concept).

Practicing THE CAN-CAN  and the PONCHO.

I think I’m having some sort of CRISIS, I am knitting a PONCHO!

When I mentioned it to my dear friend Veronica she said ” I like a poncho as long as you don’t look like CLINT EASTWOOD”.

Yours Go Ahead and Make My Dayedly

Celia

CHAFFENED CHOCOLATE DERRIÈRE!

CHAFFENED CHOCOLATE DERRIÈRE!
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, much as it pains me to discuss such an intimate and distasteful matter, I feel compelled to in order to prevent you suffering the same distress I experienced last night.

Here is the CULPRIT!

This may just look like innocent REINDEER decorated toilet paper BUT if you look closely you will see that the decoration colour is BROWN!

And it SMELLS LIKE CHOCOLATE!

10 minutes of scrubbing and a CHAFFENED DERRIÈRE last night, before I realised it WASN’T ME!

Yours Chaffingly

Celia

NAUGHTY PARTIES!

NAUGHTY PARTIES!

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, FELICITATIONS at this ADVENT season. What a busy time it has been, hence my absence.

Sparks have been flying from my KNITTING and SEWING needles (Ronald has taken to wearing SAFETY GLASSES) as I race to complete festive gifts.
Who doesn’t need ELF BUNTING?

Last Friday evening I accompanied my dear friend Veronica to a CHRISTMAS FAIR where she displayed her wonderful HOMEMADE SOAPS and other lovely SMELLIES. Veronica had gone off foraging for MULLED CIDER to keep off the chill and I was MANNING the stall in my own ladylike way, enjoying the music, happy families, decorations and CHRISTMAS atmosphere, WHEN! A man SIDLED up to the stall and picked up one of Veronica’s cards offering PARTIES.
He LEERED at me muttering “mmmmm you do parties do you? I think I’d like you to do me a party”
I just did that silly little giggle that one does when one is nervous, luckily Veronica returned knocking the hopeful PARTY-GOER clear out of the way with her LARGE-BOTTOM glasses of MULLED CIDER!

Yours Ciderly

Celia

P.S. Ronald has just returned from Lidls where he was SEDUCED by this CRISTMAS REINDEER PACK OF SCENTED TOILET ROLLS with SNOWFLAKES, REINDEERS AND CHRISTMAS TREES on them. WORRYING!

BIRDS OR ELVES?

BIRDS OR ELVES? My dear ladies and occasional gentleman THANK YOU for your kind interest in my entries for our ANNUAL VILLAGE AUTUMN SHOW.

In the FAIR TRADE ZINC FRAME is my ART TEXTILE entry of free-style hand stitching.

I am on the HORNS of (a dilemma).

Shall I enter the BIRD BUNTING or THE ELVES & SANTA HAT BUNTING? (The elves hats have red Swiss embroidery and bells on)

Shall I enter the SHAWL or the FURRY SCARF?

Which of the HEIRLOOM CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS shall I enter?

These are freestyle hand stitched using aged lace and fabrics.

Thank you for the lovely comments about the POM-POM HAT, I am afraid Ronald has rather taken a fancy to it!

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I appreciate what busy lives you may have but if you can spare a few moments to give me the benefit of your advise, I would really appreciate it.

Yours Expectantly

Celia

THAT BURNING RING OF FIRE

THAT BURNING RING OF FIRE to quote JOHNNY CASH.

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman it is our ANNUAL AUTUMN SHOW on Saturday and here I am making  a POM-POM for a hat to be entered into class 74.

I have made the POM-POM the old fashioned way with two pieces of cardboard cut into a ring donut shape. Wind the yarn round and round until it is covered and plump, then cut around between the two pieces, tie a piece of wool tightly between cardboard rings until secure, then slide off the cardboard and VOILA  a POM-POM.

This is the finished hat.

Ronald is not amused at the millions of orange fibers scattered over the sitting room as if I had fired the POM-POM out of a SHOTGUN!

Yours Fiberly

Celia

SOMETHING BUSHY IN THE LADYGARDEN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SOMETHING BUSHY IN THE LADYGARDEN

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I feel quite BOLD in showing you this lovely picture of my CLEMATIS in my LADYGARDEN. As you can see it is quite BUSHY but then it is SPRING and we all know how the SAP RISES.

 Usually it is only Ronald who sees it but I thought I would share it with my dear friends in the hope it will give you a SMILE on this lovely spring morning. I will probably cut it back in the AUTUMN I like to keep it NEATER through the winter. 

I have also been planting some FLOWERING bulbs, I like something DIFFERENT popping up in my LADYGARDEN through the summer, don’t you? 

Yours Bushily

Celia

 

RONALD’S RUG

RONALD’S RUG.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, please do admire, RONALD’S RUG and I don’t mean a HAIRPIECE, he still has all his own HAIR.

My dear friend Lydia came to the rescue of Ronald’s cold TOOTSIES and my struggle to knit the blanket strips into a BEDSIDE RUG.

You may remember my BIG KNITTING and my first effort was a rug to go by my bed. It was a huge struggle to juggle the enormous needles and the thick material but I did manage to finish my rug but my heart fell at the thought of knitting a second one for Ronald.

To the RESCUE rode the LADY LYDIA and with needles flying, CLICKATY-CLACK and a RATTA-TAT-TAT on tHe front door, she appeared like a KNITTING ANGEL with a complete RUG FOR RONALD.

Ronald does seem to come in for a bit of attention from the LADIES, he does have his own DEVILISH WAYS of PLUMBING THEIR DEPTHS and inspiring them to new heights.

Yours Indebtdly

Celia