BALLCOCKS & COCONUTS

BALLCOCKS & COCONUTS that my dear ladies and occasional gentleman is not something you hear in every day conversation. But I was at my monthly CRAFTING CLUB casually knitting the sleeve of my daughter-in-Law’s jacket when the subject came up.

You see we are planning to hold a Traditional Fete in the summer with all those great games; COCONUT SHY, CROCKERY SMASHING, WELLY WANGING, TUG-O-WAR etc. BUT we don’t have any money, we are trying to raise it, to buy a new STAGE for our VILLAGE HALL.

So dear Gwendoline who has a reputation for TOOL HANDLING has kindly offered to make the COCONUT SHY. Trying to construct the CUPS, Gwendoline has tested various items but without success.

This afternoon whilst sipping TEA and slip one knit one, it came to me BALLCOCKS! If you cut them in half they would make ideal cups for the COCONUTS and Gwendoline can MOUNT them, which I am sure she will enjoy!

She went straight home and produced this

Gwendoline is now STALKING the village PLUMBER as she tries to get her hands on his BALLCOCKS!

Yours Fetely

Celia

THE WRONG TROUSERS, VINTAGE KNITTING & THE BOER WAR

THE WRONG TROUSERS, VINTAGE KNITTING & THE BOER WAR
My dear ladies and the occasional gentlemen, I went for a lovely walk this morning with hirsute Roley and Ronald. Had a bit of bother with Ronald as he wanted to watch a film but I explained he needed some exercise first.

Well it was like taking a SULKY CHILD, he complained it was too cold and he couldn’t find the right hat. Once we were off he complained that the wind was BITTER which it wasn’t, that he had the WRONG TROUSERS on and finally that his tea was sloshing around in his tummy.

“Listen” he says as he’s waggling his stomach about. Needless to say I did the same as you would to a GRUMPY child and ignored it.

However when we were back home he did a good thing. I had taken three VINTAGE KNITTING BOOKS that were my grans and passed on to me, to scan some of the pictures for a poster, here is one of a very glamorous LADY.

Ronald picked one up to look through and found a PHOTOGRAPH of my grandparents and my father. In a second book he found the DOCUMENT you can see in the second photograph.

It is dated February 1901 and from what I can work out is a pass from THAB NCHU to BLOEMFONTEIN in SOUTH AFRICA. for 4 BOYS, 2 WAGONS, 10 MULES and 18 OXEN. This date is during THE BOER WAR. How fascinating a DOCUMENT it is. I will try and discover where and what it relates too.

WOOLY DILEMMA, CRUTCHING & GOOD PARENTING

WOOLY DILEMMA, CRUTCHING & GOOD PARENTING. No. 30 was wandering about on his WOBBLY new legs listening and looking for his mother. His brother had given up and was curled in a FETAL heap. In a field full of EWES it is confusing as to EWE your mother is; approaching the wrong one can result in a HEAD-BUTTING!

Their mother Mrs 30 did not appear to have maternal instincts. She was more interested in re-instating her SVELTE figure and lovely white WOOLY glossy coat. It had taken months for the RADDLE to wash out in the rain, I mean who wants to go around with a big PURPLE BLOB on your bum.

Whatever happened in that LAMBING SHED was staying in that LAMBING SHED. She couldn’t wait for her CRUTCHING (the human equivalent of BACK, SACK AND CRACK), the DAGS-WOOL was a humiliation too far. Then a nice relaxing FOOT-BATH, aaah she could feel that warm water gently swirling around her feet – “OH BUGGER! I’ve just wet myself”

Her son was trying to blend in with lambs 28 whose mother was constantly calling and checking on her OFFSPRING. Surely this MOTHERLY EWE with the cuddly body and the smell of warm milk must be his mother too.

He was a bit confused by the world. One minute he was curled up with his brother in a warm dark place the next he was SQUEEZED out into the cold. When before EWE could say ‘HELLO WORLD’ someone had slipped a rubber band over his BOY-BITS and tail and stamped no. 28 on him!

Mrs 30 gently pushed him in the direction of his own mother who was gaily sashaying across the grass as if she was in a MISS WOOL competition in the SWIMSUIT SECTION, without a care in the world.

The maternal ewes were RUMINATING and discussing Mrs 30.

“She’s never been the same since she was in that CHANNEL 4 documentary ‘THE ONLY WAY IS WOOLY’ said one young matron.

“EWER only jealous Jenny, it’s not an attractive trait”

“I think we should call in SOCIAL SERVICES it’s heartbreaking the way she is ignoring her babies”.

“Ewe shouldn’t be so quick to judge, ewe were a young mum once”

“Doris is right dear, ewe should be helping her, after all you are the oldest.”

“How very dare EWE I don’t think I am”

“Teeth don’t lie and ewers stick out like ALAN CARRS”

“Ok ladies let’s not get personal, I think if wool check our teeth, we bah more or less the same age”

“WOOL EWE all stop PUSSY-FOOTING AROUND and let’s tell her to MAN-UP, I’ve already got two HUNGRY HORRORS dragging my TITS to my knees. I am NOT taking on hers!

“BEYONCE’s right, EWE-ALL go around her in a circle collecting her babies on the way and we’ll help her be a good mum. BEYONCÉ can be our ‘THIS IS ONE I MADE EARLIER’ example”

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I know they are not my responsibility but I cannot help but keep an eye on the sheep and new baby lambs in the field outside my sitting-room window.

It is a constant worry when the lambs get separated from their mothers and this is why I cannot possibly do any house-work or cooking at present. As I have to sit around eating CHOCOLATE and drinking a lovely cup of TWININGS EVERYDAY TEA whilst I keep watch. Sorry Ronald.

Yours Sheepishly

Celia

MR FUCIK’s CARP BURGERS

MR FUCIK’S CARP BURGERS, I don’t fancy them do you?

These are the ASIAN CARP who are SEXY LITTLE BEASTS and have multiplied to such an extent they threaten THE GREAT LAKES of AMERICA.

 

 

They were originally introduced to southern US states more than three decades ago to control algal build-up in sewage treatment plants. But they escaped into the Mississippi River and proliferated, making their way north towards the Great Lakes.

 

 

 

I am rather concerned about these fish according to a BBC report,  there is a great danger whilst going about your daily business of being slapped in the face by one. 

My dear friend Veronica is often CARPING on and sometimes when she is really enthusiastic about something it often feels like a VERBAL slap in the face. But I’d rather have that than a WET FISH any day.

The ENTERPRISING businessman called DIRK FUCIK is producing BURGERS out of them in his DOWNTOWN CHICAGO specialist fish shop. No offense MR FUCIK but I do not think I will be buying any.  The idea is to eat the fish out of EXISTENCE and use them as a food resource. Again no offence to my friends ACROSS THE POND but don’t you have enough food resources?  Like us BRITS there aren’t many SKINNY people in the USA .

Perhaps these fish could be used to aid HUNGER IN THE THIRD WORLD. Thereby helping to solve two problems at once.

These unusual  happenings are often the result of humans interfering with nature and as is quite often the case, the SOLUTION used comes back and SLAPS YOU IN THE FACE.

Which brings me back to my concerns, with all this extra WATER about with the FLOODS I shall be keeping a CARP-EYE out, when out and about just in case.

Yours Fishily

Celia

SLUT’S WOOL & CROWN

SLUT’S WOOL & CROWN, sounds like a PUBLIC HOUSE as in PUB or TRENDY WINE BAR.

It started with the CROWN which the PRINCIPLE BOY had part made, the red QUILTED part. My job was to finish it and as you can see from the picture, I added some GOLD and SILVER trim over the red with a Christmas bauble on top as an enormous jewel with some more trim around. Finished off with a band of ‘ERMINE’, really a piece of cream VELVET with spots drawn on with a black felt-tip pen, with a row of sequins on top edge. It will look good on the stage.

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman I apologise for the ‘SLUT’S WOOL’ remark but that is an old DEVON expression for the DUST that collects and forms a fibre that looks like one could KNIT with it.

Where does it come from? Now I don’t want you to think I have a dirty house because that is not true. Ronald is always VACUUMING and TIDYING up, it is one of his many good qualities. Still this SLUT’S WOOL appears!

How does this stuff appear from nowhere? You VACUUM, clean floor, two days later SLUT’s WOOL.

Yours Dustily

Celia

HOME SHOPPING, STALKING & NEW WOOL

HOME SHOPPING, STALKING & NEW WOOL
Oh dear Ronald has discovered HOME SHOPPING CHANNELS. He appears to have ordered two CERAMIC PANS.

I was getting ready to go out to PANTOMIME rehearsals. I had only left him for 20 minutes alone with the TV REMOTE, whilst I collected, COSTUMES, TABLET with the music on, SCRIPT and TORCH.

When I returned to say goodbye, I wasn’t allowed to leave I had to stand in my HAT, SCARF, WINTER COAT AND FUR-LINED BOOTS, in the heated SITTING ROOM and watch a DEMONSTRATION by a YOUNG HIP CHEF cooking in one pan whilst cooking and burning something in a second pan. Miraculously the YOUNG HIP CHEF took the BURNT OFFERINGS tipped them into a bin and proceeded to wipe clean with a piece of KITCHEN ROLL said BURNT pan.

Ronald was seriously impressed and now that he has taken up cooking he NEEDED these pans, he told me. I left before I passed out with HEAT-STROKE or BOREDOM.

On my return, I checked my E-MAILS before going to bed and there sat SMUGLY in my inbox a receipt for TWO CERAMIC PANS!

I received a parcel today and Ronald ran into the hall shouting “Are those my pans?”

No dear it is my NEW WOOL, how exciting.

I had ordered some to knit a CHUNKY SPRING CARDIGAN for Saskia and Seraphina, I have the WOOL for Morellos but I think she wants to knit it for herself.

So I suggest dear ladies and occasional gentleman, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR TV REMOTE IN UNTRAINED HANDS – CARELESSNESS COSTS YOU POUNDS!

Ronald will be STALKING the POSTMAN until his parcel arrives.

Yours Woolily

Celia

LENTIL & LEEK LADYLIKE SOUP

LENTIL & LEEK LADYLIKE SOUP

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman as I did not receive any LADYLIKE RECIPES from you, I can only assume that you do not possess any.

I met Gwendoline at our CRAFT AFTERNOON yesterday and indeed she confessed to not possessing any culinary skills whatsoever!

However she did produce from the depths of her capacious bag an item that can only be described as QUISQUILIOUS. I cannot wait to see the finished article next month.

Linney not unsurprisingly was KNITTING ANOTHER CUSHION! Many more and there won’t be room for the cat!

I have concocted my own little RECIPE for tomorrow’s luncheon with Veronica, here it is if you wish to make it for yourselves.

Two handfuls of red lentils, one & a half leeks, one large onion, three cloves of garlic, half of a small green de-seeded chilli, one tin of chopped tomatoes, paprika, vegetable stock, salt & pepper.
Boil the lentils 25 mins whilst gently sautéing leeks & onions. Add lentils and the rest of the ingredients to the pan and simmer. Serve with your own choice of bread or rolls.

I will let you know Veronica’s verdict.

Yours Soupily

Celia

TITS, TAMBOUR, TENTIGINOUS, THERMASTHESIA, THEURGY AND TATERS

TITS, TAMBOUR, TENTIGINOUS, THEURGY AND TATERS, yes dear ladies and the occasional  gentleman, since we last chatted I have experienced all of the above.

I apologise for the unladylike word TITS, I blame Veronica. In our recent sell-out show, she unashamedly performed a poem about her TITS, I tried to persuade her to use BOSOMS instead but to no avail. However it made me think when I woke up and peeped under the duvet:

This morning I was quite distressed

As I lay eu-naturelle in bed

To note my breasts go East and West

Not upright, pert as in my head

So help is needed but do I go for ‘TILLY’S TAMBOUR or ‘VICTORIA’S SECRET’? In order to remain TENTIGINOUS to dear Ronald and bearing in mind it is our WEDDING ANNIVERSARY on the 18th December what would you dear ladies and the occasional gentleman advise me?

Keep this a secret but I am KNITTING Ronald for Christmas an all-in-one undergarment up to the neck and with long sleeves and long legs. The pattern calls for 2 PLY SILK but I didn’t have any, so I am using an ORGANIC FREE-RANGE ARAN TWILL with some of hirsute Roley’s hair to soften it, I’m hoping it won’t tickle him in the sparklers. The reason for the garment is that Ronald is experiencing THERMAESTHESIA after his recent violent allergic reaction.

A few words about  ‘THE FANNYS’ show, we haven’t finished counting yet but it looks with the help of THEURGY  we have raised a substantial amount to go to ‘THE NEW CHEMOTHERAPY UNIT APPEAL’. Our audiences were wonderful, the atmosphere was incredible and we have been hearing lovely comments since the show; how some people have been having a difficult time, some are poorly, some have lost family and friends and some who just came along for an evening out. They have said how they laughed until their jaws ached, how they were able to forget their problems for a little while. Apologies to the lady who forgot to wear her Tenna Lady and had to sit on her coat when she wet herself with laughter. It is a privilege to be a part of THE FANNYS an amazing group of ladies of a certain age who still have youth on their side.

Finaly ladies, last night I went to CHRISTMAS BINGO raising funds for the village CRICKET team. I am not the best at Bingo, I get a bit panicky as everyone takes it so seriously and there are rules about when to call. All evening I watched all the wonderful prizes being won,CHRISTMAS CHOCOLATES AND BISCUITS IN LOVELY VICTORIAN STYLE TINS, GIANT HAMS AND FREE-RANGE TURKEYS and what did I win? A 5.5 LB BAG OF TATERS (POTATOES)! Please do not think I am ungrateful but really!

Well I am off to peel those spuds or perhaps we will have Jacket Potatoes, then to finish writing the village pantomime.

FISHOOKS! Just noticed that I have turned two pages by mistake on my knitting pattern and completely missed the opening in the front of Ronald’s onesie, oh well he will just have to practise self-control, that’ll stop him peeing in the garden!

Yours Busily

Celia

LURE OF THE SILVER SCREEN

LURE OF THE SILVER SCREEN. What larks, my friend Veronica and myself have been cajoled into making another film. This follows our last successful celluloid extravaganza for which we wrote the original script and directed ourselves in order that we had the best lines and the cameraman shot our best sides.

Strange the cameraman was taken away on the last day of filming by some very nice young men in white coats. We could still hear him singing ‘Tip-toe Through The Tulips’ as they closed the ambulance doors. There was a bit of screaming before that so he must have caught his long-lens in his shutter.

Tomorrow I am going to our local craft club and we are DECOUPAGING. we have been asked to take some tissue so I am taking some KLEENEX and a roll of IZAL  toilet paper And a framed photo of Ronald, it’s a bit dull and could do wit h brightening up.

Must dash I have some WRIST-WARMERS FELTING in the washing machine and I think I may have overdone the soap as there are BUBBLES bubbling under the utility door.

Yours Soapily

Celia

WHAT FUN! ROYAL GODPARENTS

WHAT FUN! ROYAL GODPARENTS

How thrilled Ronald and I were to be asked to be Godparents to the Little Prince George and pleased that they had chosen to name him after Ronald’s middle name. And how excited I was to be e-mailed by the Queen, making sure that we didn’t wear the same colour outfit.

Ronald decided to wear his white linen suit because he had heard that it was going to be an informal affair but I’m not sure the JOHN TRAVOLTA look was quite right. Of course it was such short notice that I didn’t have the time to buy a new hat. So I whipped out my number 8 needles and my WOMENS WEEKLY 1937 KNITTING BOOK ‘HATS FOR ALL OCCASIONS’ and luckily I had some PEA-GREEN, ORGANIC, BAMBOO, CASHMILLON, HANDSPUN, CHUNKY RAFFIA DOUBLE WOOL, that I had put by. So I settled down with a large GIN & TONIC and created.

If you look at the pictures you will just see me and the hat to the left of THE QUEEN, you cannot see poor Ronald as he was trapped behind the COUNTESS CAMILLA. The Duke was so funny, he asked me if he could TICKLE MY FANCY with my hat feather, what larks.

The food could have been better, I don’t think CORNBEEF & PICKLE VOL-AU-VENTS are suitable for the Queen, And the SCOTCH EGGS with the little cross of St George flags in were just common.

Of course PIPPA PARTYPLANNER had organised the food, so say no more!

THE QUEEN has promised to send me some photographs and I have promised to send her the hat pattern.

Yours Royaly

Celia